Fun fact: I’ve been on antidepressants for almost 5 years.
It’s something that only a handful of people know about and I finally feel ready to share with the world. Why? Because it’s 2020 and talking about mental health shouldn’t be seen as a ‘risky’ move, it should be part of our everyday conversations.
Before I dive into things I just want to list a few facts in lieu of 4 long paragraphs:
- I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder in early 2015 which is when I started taking my antidepressants.
- It was downgraded to clinical depression 6 months later and since then I’ve gone through various levels from mild to severe.
- My antidepressants have been a saving grace over the years.
- I’m okay now and in a place where I feel comfortable enough to talk about my experiences, but it doesn’t mean that my depression can’t/won’t come back.
Basically, I went through a rough time and still have bad patches but overall I’m feeling much better about my mental health now than I have in years.
That said, I have struggled a lot with my anxiety and depression over the past few weeks. It’s mainly been triggered by work stress and some boy drama but coming off my antidepressants has really messed with my mood too, which is the main thing I want to talk about.
Honestly, I should’ve come off my meds after a few years of being on them. The ones I take are super strong and have quite bad withdrawal side effects with long-term use. But the reality is that there’s never a ‘good’ time to come off them when there’s so much going on in your life.
In 2016 I started working part time and studying full time (which is still the most stressful thing I’ve done to date in my life), then 2017 was my final year of uni and I had an intensive study tour to New York that I had to be stable for. Then in 2018 I started full-time work and switched jobs before I decided to backpack solo for 3 months last year and move to London. Needless to say, there’s been a lot on.
Each time I considered ditching my antidepressants I always found a reason to stay on them. The withdrawal effects can be horrible and last months if you don’t do it right and I didn’t trust my doctor enough to support me through the process which meant having to find a new one ie. another reason to delay it all. If you’re wondering how bad withdrawal can really be here’s a taste:
Withdrawal symptoms from coming off venlafaxine include brain shivers, agitation, anxiety, confusion, mania, mood swings, anorexia, impaired coordination, dizziness, fatigue, lethargy, headaches, night tremors, tremor, sensory disturbances, electric shock-like sensations, vomiting, vertigo, sweating, diarrhea.
Yeah… not fun.
But now that I’ve settled in London and felt stable for the past 6 months, I’ve decided to finally give the process a red hot crack. I started lowering my dose a few months ago and I won’t lie when I say that it’s been a challenge. From random dizzy spells to mood swings and night sweats it’s had its ups and downs, but I’m pushing through it day by day.
I think the main thing I’ve learnt is that there’s no cookie-cutter process you can follow. Some people take just weeks to taper off antidepressants and others take months, it all depends on how long you’ve been on them and the current circumstances in your life. With all that’s going on in mine at the moment, I wouldn’t be surprised if it took me another 6 months, and I’m okay with that.
Now, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with taking antidepressants. Some people will take them for life and not have a care in the world about stopping. But it’s always been a goal in the back of my mind which I’m proud to finally be taking a step towards. It sounds silly but there’s so many little things that these meds affect in my life. I’ve never taken sleeping tablets on airplanes because I don’t know how they’ll mix and sometimes I’ve had to turn down spontaneous nights out after work because my tablets are at home. They’re only small inconveniences in the scheme of things but I’m looking forward to a life free from these pills.
In the meantime, I’m just going to keep checking in with myself and doing things that make me happy when times get a lil shitty. Going to F45, ranting to my housemates and receiving cuddles from my fave puppy Bee have all helped these past few weeks and made me optimistic for the weeks ahead.
I’m eternally grateful that I have the support of understanding friends and a slightly less understanding, but well-meaning, family when it comes to talking about my mental health. Their support is a given, but what’s pleasantly surprised me is how empathetic my manager Kylie has also been about what I’m going through. I’ve grown up being told to keep my mental health struggles to myself at work for fear of being seen as a liability but I truly believe that opening up to her is the best thing I could’ve done.
Alrighty, that’s enough rambling from me for one night so I’m going to wrap it up by saying that I’m proud of myself for being able to talk about my mental health and I’m always here to listen to anyone else who’s struggling. Hopefully this post can help someone start a conversation somewhere.
Adios Amigos *Insert brain emoji*
Tea is my Middle Name 